So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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