I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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