i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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