You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
