Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
