I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
