I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
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