she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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