and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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