made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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