If that was your dad, he is hot
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
