I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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