im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
