Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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