dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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