This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
