I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
