Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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