Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
