I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
