That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
