Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
