Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
