Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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