What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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