So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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