If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
