the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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