Tell her she can't have a vagina
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
