I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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