1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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