Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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