Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
