Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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