Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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