So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
