Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
So apparently I’m into choking now
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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