if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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