I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
