He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
