Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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