I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
