I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
