I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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