My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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