Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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