Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
