I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
