does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
