Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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