Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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