my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
