Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
