my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
