There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
