Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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