if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
