My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
