My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
